Upon receiving my diagnosis of ADHD, my world began to make a little more sense. For most of my life, I berated myself for finding even the simple act of existing so incredibly hard- I’ve felt undeserving, stupid and perpetually too much. Living with ADHD has felt like running a race where the finish line is constantly moving—no matter how fast or how hard I try, I can never quite reach it. In many ways, anorexia mirrored that same relentless narrative. No matter how ill I became, the goalposts kept shifting. I was trapped in a cycle I could never truly win. Looking back on my eating disorder through this new lens, I can now understand why certain things felt so overwhelming and why the disorder clung to me so tightly. I began restricting as a way to cope with emotions that felt unbearably dysregulated, and the addictive nature of anorexia gradually allowed it to take over my life.
As a teenager I was constantly questioned as to why my mental health struggles started- what traumatic event triggered my distress. During therapy in my later life, I created countless timelines, desperately searching for a defining moment that could explain it all. But no single cause was ever found. What was often overlooked was the possibility that I was struggling because my neurodivergent brain was trying to survive in a neurotypical world that wasn’t built for it. ADHD is so often portrayed as quirky, forgetful, even fun but what is rarely shown is the mental torment, the chronic self-doubt and relentless overthinking.
Neurodiversity and eating disorders intertwine in so many ways- they share themes of control, rigidity, perfectionism and deep-rooted self criticism. Although my diagnosis is recent, it has already brought profound clarity. I can’t help but wonder whether, had I known what I know now, I might have offered myself a little more grace. Existing is hard and trying to fit yourself into a mould that isn’t made for you is almost impossible. I was never too much- I was simply trying to survive in a world that kept asking me to be less.