'Hello, You.' by EmpowerED Expert Millie:
“I don’t want to choose You anymore. I want to choose me.”
When we first met, I really liked You.
I was so happy I’d let You into my life! At a time when I was feeling really low, You swooped in and gave me an escape and we became fast friends. We ignored all the other issues together, You gave me something else to focus on which eased my pain.
When things were hard, You jumped right in front of me and reminded me that You had my back. It didn’t matter that I felt out of control with other areas of my life, You gave me confidence that I at least had control when I was with You. I couldn’t have done it without You. And You told me this all the time. I believed You.
People were noticing a difference too – they told me I was looking great! And I was so grateful to You! But I didn’t tell them it was down to You. They wouldn’t understand.
You started off as a friend who checked in a few times a day, but before I knew it, You’d completely committed to me – You just wanted to be with me all the time!
If I was anxious, it didn’t matter! I had You. If I was upset, that was OK! You were there. If I felt fat, You did what You could to make me feel great! And no matter what, You were always there with a plan for me. From the second I woke up to the minute I fell asleep, there You were. In fact, some nights You even appeared in my dreams!
If I ever dared to doubt myself, You were straight back in my ear telling me I was doing the right thing and took the guilt away – what we were doing together was totally normal, exactly how two friends should be when they trust each other. You told me I didn’t need anyone else when I had You, why would I? You got it, they didn’t. So that was ok by me.
But then people started to worry. They found out about You and they didn’t like it. I had to hide You.
I started to back away from seeing other friends, they wouldn’t get ‘it’ like You did. When my family got involved, You got mad. You thought it would be better if they didn’t know how close we were, so we lied to them. I thought it would keep You happy and they’d back off. They warned me about You, but I didn’t want to listen.
And then I started to see a different side to You. You were mean, You spoke to me like dirt. If I spoke up, You told me off. If I questioned You, You shut me down. It was Your way or no way. My feelings didn’t matter.
Sometimes You taunted me and didn’t plan for me, and let me go and do what I wanted and I felt like we were getting somewhere, but when I got back, You made me feel ashamed. And You made me pay for it for days. You punished me, and I started to feel it physically, as well as mentally. Even when I made a promise to leave You behind, You’d appear, uninvited.
I put so much stuff off because You wanted my attention. I tried to ignore You. But I could hear You, and if I couldn’t hear You, I could feel You watching.
I’m starting to see it now, and You’re not who I thought You were. You stop me doing things I want to do. You make me feel ashamed.
Yet, You’re still here. You’re a lot quieter now, maybe You’re starting to feel as tired as I am. Maybe You don’t like that I’m trying to do things my way sometimes. But I don’t like it that You still pull me up and make me question my choices. You’re not really a friend to me.
There are parts of You that I’ll admit, I still care about. But that’s because You’ve been a part of my life for a while now. But who You have become, isn’t someone I want in my life. I know You are still there, You come for me when I’m feeling tired, overwhelmed and especially when I’m anxious, but I’ve got news for You. I’m working on me, and I’m tired of You. And You must be exhausted too. It’s hard to picture a world without You, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be completely rid of You. But for now, I’m working on becoming louder than You.
I don’t want to choose You anymore. I want to choose me.
I’m through with you, You.